Now I usually post updates every one or two weeks, however this time, I felt this instalment would be better explained in the form of a 3 week, detox!! Last month in Bali was a bit shambolic in all honesty and it may have partly been driven by the fact that I knew a 3-week detox in Koh Samui lay ahead of me.
Week 1- Shutdown begins
I arrived at a resort called New Leaf. I’ve actually been here before back in January 2017 and so have much of my family, they know us well. Not my Dad though (cough cough). When I did the detox here last, I found great mental clarity and was sleeping like a baby. Once I arrived back in London, the naughty food started to reintroduce it self and the effects of the detox quickly wore off. This time, not only did I want to jet wash my insides but I wanted to eat well in the long run too. So what exactly is this detox about then? Well, you effectively shut down your digestive system through only taking in liquids (smoothies, juices and soups). With your system shutdown the cleanse can begin through taking oral supplements and coffee colemas. It’s actually a weight loss programme but I’ve come to fix some chronic issues including a abdominal cramp on my left side which I’ve had for maybe 3 years! Here’s the programme:
6:45am — Wake up and have psyllium husk
9am- Fresh Juice or green vegetable juice (you choose) and a shot of coconut oil
11:30am- Smoothie, shot of Apple Cider Vinegar, Spirulina & Moringa tablets
12pm — Massage
1pm — Colema (1 liter of water followed by 1 litre of coffee)
2pm — Probiotic supplements & small green juice
5pm — Steam room
6pm — Fresh Soup or Broth (you choose)
Optional Extras- Various herbal teas, Electrolytes, Extra coffee for colema, Addition of protein powder in juice or smoothie, Various activities including walks, yoga, muay thai kick boxing, gym, aerobics etc.
For the first week, I followed the plan diligently. On day 4 you have to do something called a liver flush. Here, you are not allowed any fluids after 2pm and have to periodically take 4 sachets of Epsom salts and chug 250ml of olive oil with orange juice. The process aims to rid the body of gallstones and bile. I remember some graphic scenes from my last detox and so decided to take a picture of whatever was to come out. Most people find it gross to look down at what comes out of your body but I think it’s your own personal health KPI and find it fascinating.
Week 2- Major disruption on the colonopolitan line
In the second week, I started to modify my detox to better suit my needs. During my massages I abandoned the traditional Thai massage and got my masseuse to massage my belly for 1 hour, my left side in particular where the cramp was. The experience was mostly uncomfortable and sometimes painful but I found it helped to loosen everything up for the colema immediately after.
During the detox I heard whispers of an urban legend called Magic Hands. No, not that type of magic hands! He has his own (unregulated) colon hydrotherapy place that supposedly delivers a stellar cleanse. I’m always up for trying new things so I called Magic Hands and arranged an appointment. When I arrived, I had to sign a piece of paper removing Mr Magic Hands of any risk. Yaaa, here’s when I thought shit just got real. Once signed, I went into the back where there was a table and what looked like some DIY plumbing for the hydrotherapy pipes. Not going to lie, it wasn’t the most hygienic place, was a little bit scared of touching the previous customers colema dribble but magic hands assured me that he had cleaned up properly. Anyway, I got plugged in and away we went. Fluid constantly goes in and out and you can see what comes out as the tube is see-through. First I started with 25 litres of water where some mucus came out. During this time Magic Hands massaged my belly and poked it with aggression. I experienced some intense periodic cramps and had no control over my use of fowl language. I had to tell him to stop when the cramps got too much and only then would he turn off the valve. I’m almost certain he had no idea how much water was inside me and relied on my face as a gauge. At one point I was getting pumped up while he went away on his phone! After the water, he changes the tank for coffee which is even more intense as it’s a laxative. Finally he used garlic water. Suddenly, out of nowhere magic hands starts to thump my chest, I look at him with disbelief and he simply responds ‘gas’ and carries on hitting me. Overall it took 1 hr 40 minutes and I left a bit mentally scarred by the whole ordeal.
Admittedly, I did feel good the next day, my chronic strain had all but disappeared. Feeling liveling and ready to test ride my new colonopolitan line, I started off with some fruit and vegetable and slowly working my way up to the true test, a carb loaded pizza and sugar cakes. My rationale was that, if my cramp disappeared after eating the above junk then the detox had worked. Unfortunately, the strain came back again.
Week 19- Supersized detox
For the final 9 days I took drastic measures. This involved swapping the juice for green vegetable juice and having the broth every day. In addition, I started to take anti parasite tablets as other fellow detoxers said it worked for them. I also doubled down on the coffee and colema’ed 2 liters instead of 1 #boss. Not having any food also made me do weird things. After dinner, I’d go for a walk and try find people eating food. I perved over their food and imagined it was me eating. I even walked in to McDonalds where I sat down and watched a man eat his cheeseburger and fries. It was the closest thing I was going to get. The lack of food had really made me appreciate food again, I would salivate over someone eating lettuce. It got me thinking about the whole idea of detoxing and how good it was at resetting your appreciation for something. I did a small digital detox and restricted my use of music. Once I listened to music again, I actually got goosebumps! If you ever want to re-appreciate something just eliminate it temporarily.
On the final day of the three weeks, I decided to try a new colon hydrotherapy specialist for one final cleanse. This time round, I was greeted by a nurse and what looked like branded colon machinery not some DIY leaky pipe system. Suffice to say I wasn’t in magic hands but they were certainly safe. In addition the nurse was kept a measure of how much fluid was going in and out. It was a much smoother experience then magic hands and more toxins came out from what I saw.
I’ve unwillingly lost 5kg in the name of detoxing but feel super clear headed and my abdominal cramp has disappeared once again. I can only think that the pizza I ate caused a reaction, in particular the gluten or cheese. After doing some research, I found out that I may have something called leaky gut where your intestine literally leaks food particles into your blood. I seem to have many of the symptoms. Gluten is considered a cause and so I’ll be staying well away from gluten to see if it is the cause of my chronic problem. Goodbye pasta, bread, flour, cakes, pastries, and lots of other dearly loved carbs :(. The nutritionist also told me to incrementally add in foods and keep a food diary after the detox. I’m also going to have a food allergy/sensitivity test which I’ve never actually done before. I’ll keep you posted on all of this in the future anyway :)
What about the Yoga? Well as the title suggests my body has been on shutdown for most of the last 3 weeks and although I’ve had a good level of mental energy, physically, my body has been pretty weak after running on 500 calories a day. Fear not though, I will be returning back to normality next week as will the blogging. Happy detoxing ya’ll x